March, 2011

Well, my story is very complicated. I wouldn’t really know how to explain it even if I tried.

Basically, I was the happy, funny, creative, reserved, intuitive kid that everyone enjoyed, and there was not the slightest doubt that I would grow up to be an awesome adult. There wasn’t the slightest hint that I would become a zombie. What happened? Why am I this way? These things I ask myself all the time. I look for answers in books and cannot find them. How did I go from such a happy kid to a zombie? I am really starved for an answer to this question in particular. There is nothing more frustrating then not knowing “why?” or “what is responsible?”

Could it be that my family moved to a neighboring town that I hate? Could it be that I stopped talking when I went to high school? Could it be the guilt I felt when I was involved in hurting my friend’s feelings? Or could it have been when I didnt finish taking my antibiotics when i had the flu about 7 years ago? Could it have been I had no one in my life that made me care about myself and about life in general? I don’t know, it could be anything.

I’ve taken two sleep studies and two different doctors say I have narcolepsyGreek meaning loosely "sleep seizure." Disorder marked by recurrent and uncontrollable attacks of daytime sleepiness, often associated with temporary muscular paralysis known as cataplexyCataplexysudden, brief loss of muscle control brought on by strong emotion or emotional response (laughter, excitement, surprise, anger, etc.) This may or may not cause full body collapse. In all cases, the patient is FULLY CONSCIOUS and aware but cannot move. Episodes last anywhere from a few seconds to many minutes., which still makes me feel skeptical, even though I’m starting to believe it now. My symptoms aren’t very typical for narcoleptics. I have the concentration issues, the brain fog, the memory problems, emotional problems, fatigue, and am extremely sensitive (worse than some girls). I’m sure I’m forgetting some other things, but I don’t have the main narcoleptic symptoms like cataplexy, random sleeping, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, or etc.

I just dont feel normal … and haven’t for at least the last third of my life. And I’m only 21, that ain’t right! But I cant complain, some people who are less fortunate than I would be better off. But if there is one thing I hate, it is living this way. It controls every aspect of my life. I cant communicate. Everyone seems so distant, I even feel distant from myself. I don’t know much about myself, because when you are a zombie your personality is stripped from your soul and you become a hollowed doll, smiling on the surface, but empty, broken, and lost on the inside.

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